Self Care

I thought I’d continue the last post on daily choreography with a post on self care. It just seems like a good time to talk about it. Maybe it’s the change of seasons…. My friend Amy and I were joking that it’s been cloudy/gloomy here for the last week, and that’s apparently all it takes to give those of us who are used to 300+ days of sunshine a year Seasonal Affective Disorder.

I came to the self care game really late–like two years ago. There are a few reasons for this: one lies in the sort of self-denying protestant culture my family came from, another lies in my own poor self-esteem, a third in my abusive marriage. If I’m being totally honest here, I thought self care was for women who deserved it–who were thin and beautiful and had their lives pulled together and the admiration of their husbands.

What a load of bullshit.

But it’s understandable: if your mental health isn’t great, you’re not going to have good self care practices. And it kind of spirals down from there. It got to the point where I wouldn’t buy myself new clothes until I was my “goal weight” (whatever that meant), and I wouldn’t look myself in the eye in the mirror. That’s how ashamed of myself I was. Geez Louise.

Getting out of that spiral also turned out to be a feedback loop. And the good news is that kickstarting it was easy and enjoyable: I just had to treat my body as if it were precious and valuable and deserved care. I did simple stuff that’s a no-brainer to those of you who are used to self care but was revolutionary for me: I took hot baths with scented candles; I painted my toenails; I got massages. I did Korean face masks. I drank lots and lots and lots of hot tea sitting in front of the fireplace or out on the deck listening to the birds. And sure enough, as I started to pamper myself, I started to think I was worth pampering–kind of like that old “smile and you’ll feel happier” trick.

So, here are a few things I’ve learned about self care in the process–what works and what doesn’t work for me in the long run. Of course, you all probably came to the game earlier and know a lot more than I do, so feel free to chime in in the comments with what you think.

What works for me (i.e., gets the spiral heading upward):

• “turning toward” negative feelings and listening to the need that underlies them. This is an amazing thing my therapist taught me. I used to just repress anxiety, annoyance, etc., or distract or talk myself out of feeling it, or anesthetize myself–usually with food or media. Now, I “turn toward” the inner child throwing that fit and ask, “What do you need?” The answer usually turns out to be something pretty healthy: food, sleep, unplugging, taking a walk. Or maybe I need to read my bible or call a friend to remind myself of my true identity and worth. At any rate, the “turning toward” trick seems to work really well to weed out things I *think* I need but don’t–like junk food or alcohol or snapping at someone.
• Connecting with and caring for others. I’ve always been an intensely social person, and I very rarely interact with someone I love and don’t feel better afterward. This includes taking care of my animals. They’re beings with emotional and social needs, and they give back more than they take.
• Cooking. I love cooking for other people (see connection above), and if I cook for myself, it means two things: 1. I’m taking care of myself as I would a loved one, and 2. I’m probably making something nourishing, as junk doesn’t require cooking. Which leads me to….
• Being creative. I don’t always have the energy for this when I feel tired or down, but if I can cook a new dish or work on a short story or a papercut or a song or a sewing project, I invariably feel better because I’m creating my self as I do it.
• Dancing. Sure, exercise is great and all. But there are plenty of days when the mere thought of putting my running shoes or driving to the gym makes my stomach knot up. But I never don’t feel like putting on some really banging EDM or K-pop and jiving around my kitchen for a few minutes. This is an important, more-general self-care principle I’ve learned: if I feel like doing something that’s good for me, I should do it, whether or not it fits the “plan” or is “enough.”
• Caffeine. Yep. The boost in mood and extra energy help me do higher-intensity self-care activities like exercise. I just have to watch the dosage.
• Getting things checked off my to-do list. Admittedly this is a bit of a double-edged sword because I base too much of my self-worth on what I accomplish. But, I gotta say, the quickest path to self-esteem after a strong cup of black tea is taking care of some task that I’ve been putting off. My sister calls this “Being kind to your future self,” and I think that’s the best way to explain how it functions as self care. There’s not a lot of downside as long as I make sure I’m…
• Taking breaks. I was so used to pushing through negative feelings and sensations that I depleted myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. I’m much better at pacing myself now, and I’m better about saying “no” to things even if they sound good because I have a better feel for what will overload my system.

What doesn’t work well for me as a long-term self care strategy:

• Alcohol. Look, after a crappy day, a glass of wine is just the thing to take the edge off; there’s not a thing wrong with that as far as I’m concerned. But alcohol is just like Advil–perfect for an acute injury but a really bad long-term health strategy. I wanted to fix the thing underlying the long-term pain, not just keep anesthetizing it. And even though everyone says a glass of wine a night is healthy, for me, I found I was waking up feeling dark about the world if I drank regularly.
• Escaping through media (Netflix and Youtube). This is basically the same thing as alcohol–when I found I was watching movies and vlogs for hours every day to escape my life, I realized it was counterproductive. I was better off learning to enjoy the life I had rather than pining for someone else’s life. Now, there are some shows/movies that always energize and inspire me and make me feel better about my life (like Li Ziqi, Midnight Diner, and Tekkonkinkreet); watching those is definitely a form of self care. But I’m learning to recognize the media that stall out the upward spiral and restrict my consumption.

Sorting this stuff out turned out to be really easy in the end: how did I feel when I woke up the next morning? Stronger, happier, more peaceful, more hopeful? That meant whatever I was doing for self care was doing its job. Did I wake up feeling empty, anxious, or depressed? Not working. Simple, once I acknowledged it. And in the immortal words of G.I. Joe, “Knowing is half the battle.”