I owe this phrase to the inimitable Chump Lady, who uses it to describe the obsessive phase that chumps (cheated-on partners) often go through as they try to wrap their heads around how and why their cheaters could have done what they did: e.g., watching dozens of videos on narcissism and Cluster B personality disorders; reading books on trauma and attachment; on Family-of-Origin issues; on addiction; on limerence, etc. While she allows as how Untangling the Skein is an unavoidable phase of the grieving process, she maintains (and rightly so IMHO) that staying stuck in it too long keeps the focus on the cheater and thus stymies the chump’s recovery.
I did a lot of Untangling the Skein leading up to my divorce, and it was valuable, for me at least, because I really had no idea about narcissism and the havoc it can wreak on families in which it reaches unhealthy levels; I also had no idea that at least some narcissism is necessary to maintain a good self-concept, self-interest, and self-protection. But sure enough, I reached a point of saturation where I had figured out as much as I was going to about my ex, and it was time to move on.
Today, however, I found this pendant in the pocket of a bathrobe that I had worn a few times since my divorce. It was a Jerusalem cross my ex brought me back from a work trip to Israel. I won’t lie: it broke my heart a little to see it again. My ex didn’t share or even fully understand my faith, but he did respect it, and the cross was a token of that respect. This was why I took it off and jammed it in the pocket of the bathrobe after he cheated on and left me–it was too painful to wear anymore. Honestly, I thought I had sent it to Goodwill long ago. But now as I turned it over in my hand, I thought: “That’s a good gold chain, and they’re really expensive these days; I should at least take that off before I get rid of the pendant.”
Well, you can see the state of the chain. And as I started trying to untangle it…I had to laugh. But here’s the thing: I was untangling my part–the part I valued and wanted to keep. I think that’s a different project from Untangling the Skein, a valuable project and one that, for me at least, has continued on long after I stopped trying to understand my ex’s issues. As I’ve written before, I’ve benefited enormously from these efforts I’ve made to understand my own background. I think it will help me be a better partner in the future–to myself, my friends and family, and anyone else God brings me to love.
The Rookery 